I’ve been thinking about starting this blog for quite some time now, so hello!
There have been thousands of thoughts that have been running through my mind since finals ended and I just want this blog to be a place to organize them. And of course, make sense of my thoughts/feelings/emotions that will occur as I begin to approach my senior year of college. Last but not least, I’m planning to make a separate tab on this blog to keep track of the many lists that I am certain to have(I’m an ESFJ).
This year, the end of the school year marked the end of many things that range far beyond finals. First off, I only had 2 finals one on the first day and one on the last day, so I was not stressed. In this six day exam week period, I began to realize that half of my good friends were actually graduating. But more importantly, I realized that I was next. Before I really understood the severity of it all, I finally had time to party with my friends. On that Wednesday of my last final, I went to happy hour, the bars and lived the f-boy life style I was so unaccustomed to living. It was weird not having any deadlines/exams to worry about and even weirder that this would be the last outing with my graduating friends. The following 2 days were filled with happy hour, shopping, and attending the actual graduation ceremonies, and many many, pictures. That Saturday morning, I flew to Aruba with two of my older cousins. Aruba was filled with white sand beaches, many tropical drinks, and many, many old people. When I say old, I do not necessarily mean elderly, I am describing people who were in high school/college in the early 90’s, which also happens to be when I was born. Needless to say, the night life was not what I expected. Anyways, on this trip I realized how different my eldest cousin and I are and how I don’t think I would ever choose to be around her for extended periods of time. Obviously I love her she is my cousin, but we just do not really click. When my other/closest cousin, L, was really d, she began rapping about how much she loves us and how she really just wants to grow up and have kids and all this stuff. She basically said that her continuous glamorization of partying, drinking, and hooking up is all an act. It was endearing and mildly eye opening. But at various parts of the trip both of my cousins essentially tried to convince me that I was too plain and boring and that I need to take more and more risks etc. etc. While I appreciate their concern, I did not need people bagging on my lifestyle. I understand that I am considered boring in many aspects because I have cookie cutter interests, but that does not mean that I think this way because I am forced to, or because I was raised in any manner. OH. What really got me was that they thought I was “close-minded”. Close-minded is not being tolerant of new ideas and lifestyles. I am beyond tolerant of other people’s ideas and lifestyles-I’m the assistant director of the Diversity Committee for crying out loud. That really irked me. I never said you are living your life wrong because you do xyz, I just said I don’t want to get another flavor besides chocolate with rainbow sprinkles. If I already have a good thing, then why would I explore? They also felt like I was going to be one of those girls who only dates one person and marries them. Once again, if I have a good thing why would I let it go for the sake of trying people out?
All of these discussions with my cousins just brought me back to thinking that this is my life, and I want to live it how I would like. There are numerous changes in many aspects of my life that need rearranging and fixing, but that is for me to decide. I do need to try new things, but within reason. I hate feeling like I am doing something because someone else told me to. I want to be in charge of my life, just as my eldest cousin is in charge of hers.
When I came back home, I was able to realize that the seniors really did graduate and I began perpetually thinking about how graduation would be here before I know it. Then I started thinking about if I really want to be a doctor and started looking up some numbers on post bacs and medical schools and I got so stressed out I literally cried for days. With the help of my loving parents and some of my wonderful guy friends I have realized that everything will be okay. And as far as my depression regarding my graduation and post-college life, Crapo(one of my good friends) said “you signed up to graduate, and even if you don’t immediately go to medical school or don’t figure out what you want to do you are starting from a really, really good place”.
Well that was a lot. And I could honestly talk for so much more about the last three weeks, but I think I will leave it at that.
Until next time,