I fall in love with people’s honest moments all of the time. I love to see when people are happy and understand why they are sad and when they feel that they can share that with me makes me happier than anything. I love when people tell me about their past and tell me about things that hurt them and how they hurt them and how it contributes to the people they are today. I love when people start a sentence off with “ I don’t usually tell people this but” or conclude with “you’re the first person I’ve told that to”. I love seeing the look in peoples eyes when they are in love, especially my parents, cause it shows me that there is something that people live for and it is pure, electric and authentic and makes you feel alive.
I love to fix things. People, problems, stories, policies, discrepancies, wealth gaps, etc. I love helping restore things to their natural balance. People always ask me for help in these situations and I do not give myself enough credit for my ability. But these activities, while worthwhile, take me away from what I need to be doing to improve myself.
I hate when people are cold and standoffish; when they make life strictly about monetary values, logic, and personal gain. I really do believe that everyone has a humanitarian aspect to him or her in some way shape or form. I hate when people never show their emotions and ignore their feelings in rationale for their actions. I enjoy the challenge of trying to get through to these people.
That one Jewish lady on post secret said that she believes God is present in all of the waves of happy emotions. God is the joy the terps felt yesterday as we beat Georgetown in the last five minutes, God is the feeling that I get when I fall asleep in a roomful of people I care about, God is the love parents have for their kids. God is the solidarity and support of those who care about you and you care about when something devastating happens. Life is so beautiful when you let it be and experiences these things.
I want to be the light in someone’s life; I want to be a pivotal point. I want to help someone get somewhere and thank me for it later. I want to help them because people don’t understand how much they help me. People do not understand the deep satisfaction that I get when I fix things or talk things out with people. I really, really do care. And that has been my strong suit and my demise all at the same time. I care too much and I get scared that I’m doing, saying, or thinking the wrong thing and I just want things to go right for me and I want to believe that I can succeed and that everything will be okay but there is something inside my head that always tells me just settle now that way you wont have to go through the heartache of trying to win. Not like Zack.
I love Fredeline. I love all of the things she, and the rest of Barrio Blanco, taught me. I love privilege, power, expensive things and all the other luxuries that I have been given. But I love people more. I realized that I have so much and did not do anything to earn or maintain it. I want Fredeline to be saved.
I love saving people. My heart goes out to so many people and sometimes I have reached a mental and emotional capacity to process these feelings and emotions and I have become numb.
“Why are you so heartless” they ask. “Why don’t you ever like anyone?”
Oh but my dear I’m not. On the contrary, I’m in love with everyone. I have conditioned and controlled myself to be detached so that I can handle my life and achieve things without others literally getting in the way. I love deeply and unconditionally and I am not ready for that type of commitment or to add more people to the existing emotional friendship contracts. I love it all, I think people are beautiful and broken and that there is hope for most (minus terrorists). I am a firm believer that you can’t change people’s minds and evoke and sustain particular emotions, especially deep ones like love and passion. But I will try my best to make my life’s mission dedicated to helping and saving people in the best way I know how. But what nobody really understands is that I’m not helping these people out for purely humanitarian reasons. Saving and understanding people makes me happy. Gaining someone’s trust is seeing who they really are through their honest moments. In a world so evil and corrupt, vulnerability is the only real reason I have to have faith in humanity.