Well. The last time I posted, I was beginning my final journey at the wonderful University of Maryland. This past semester, graduation, graduation party have all passed and it is finally time to face the next big chapter of my life.
Before I get into all of my doubts, a brief reflection of my last semester and overall college experience.
-An incredible time. I laughed, drank, and barley studied(all while still maintaining a 3.8). Everything went incredibly well except for all of this emotionally confusing, exhausting, twisted relationship with one of my friends. Long story short, loving people who are toxic-despite their intentions and attempted reconciliations-can leave you in a place where their absence is greater than their presence. It also allowed me to time travel to some of the darkest moments in my life. I’m still trying to navigate the emotional damage of this situation and trying to see how to move forward with my friend, and more importantly with myself, by myself.
Which brings me to the main point of this post. I have to grow up! I am moving across the country in little over a month. I’m terrified and also nervous excited. I know I’ll grow but I’m afraid of being myself and it makes me nervous that my family is all the way across the country. But when I think about how close I’ll live and how I’ve never really done things by myself. And through the time I’ve had to myself this summer I’ve realized that I absorb the energy and feelings around me more than the average person. Throughout the majority of my life people have coddled me. My parents/family friends put me on this pedestal which was nice, but also debilitating. I can’t be expected to be independent if people are instilling in me that I can’t or can do this/that. Those expectations get in my mind and shape the way I perceive myself. So I think I need to just stop with people’s expectations and reactions when they are like “Damnnnn you are going to Cali”. Like yes I am and I will finally learn how to thrive by myself and it will be uncomfortable and scary at first but I think it is truly necessary for me to grow. I’m not going to grow doing the same thing I’ve always done with the same people I’ve always loved.
I think I’ve learned the best way to let go of the past, is to throw yourself fully into the future.