I’ve been meaning to write a post for a long time but every time I think to, I tell myself I should just study. Then I proceed to open my MCAT study guide only to get distracted by social media or text messages(usually regarding the same painful experience I have dealt with all year) moments later. The cycle repeats itself to the point where I just give up on my to-do-list and rationalize that I will wake up early the next day. Today, I have made the decision to delete one of my favorite forms of social media-Snapchat. I love snapchat for the same reasons I hate it, it makes you feel like you are in someone else’s moment. After watching snaps from UMD or people going out I resent my studying more and my mind begins to wander.
For some unknown reason I thought moving across the country would be enough to let go of the demons that plagued me. It’s not. How can I move on with my life I am constantly talking about the past? I’ve realized that especially in times where focus is the only thing I have, I cannot afford to think about memories. Yes it was great and I loved those times, but they do not exist anymore. The people are not who they used to be. Talking about certain situations leaves me paralyzed in moments that I’ve tried to forget. They creep up on me when I hear a song, when I hear about how you try to make my best friend a different version of me. I don’t want to give this situation energy anymore. Just because I don’t emotionally react every time doesn’t mean I don’t spend hours talking to N about it. I need to stop.
I also need to stop complaining. Yes, life is not what it was when I was going out 3-4 days a week and had no real responsibilities. I can complain all I want but I’ll never get to a better place if I do so.
I also always fail to acknowledge that even though I was having a blast, I was so off-center. I didn’t confront any of my feelings I just moved on to the next memory to get my mind of the previous ones.Which left me feeling things x10 fold during the summer. It is time for me to take control of my life. It is time for me to make decisions purely based off of what is good for me.
I’ve been saying this for so long but there is a huge disconnect between how I actually feel and how I act. I make excuses for why I am not finishing my work. I feel a void and rationalize not pushing myself more. I still think some of this comes from the deeply internalized feelings of not believing in myself and reinforced by the negative thoughts that cloud my mind when procrastinating and talking about things I want to forget/missing everyone from home.
I hope that acknowledging all of this helps, I hope that I can get to the point where where I can say, Yeah I love it but I used to love it more and actually mean it.