“The hardest part about saying goodbye is having to do it again, every single day”-One Tree Hill.
The last couple months have brought about a world wind of stubble changes and confrontations that force me to pick me. It hasn’t been an easy road, I’ve stumbled numerous times. However, in the process I’ve learned what’s truly important and what’s not. I would be lying if I said that my biggest struggle hasn’t been letting my friend go. Toxic relationships are toxic for many reasons, and that one being that it has the power to make me feel like I am 13 years old again and bawling my eyes out after a friends Bat-Mitzvah because the boy that I liked didn’t pick me. These things and these feelings remind me of early inadequacy feelings. The way this whole friendship has played out especially in reference to my best friend from high school is tiring, sickening and has gotten to the point where I’m constantly on defense mode while talking to her.
It’s not fair.
But then again none of it was fair. Not fair to me, not fair to the other people involved(except for Mr. Toxic himself).
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve gotten a lot better. The feelings of despair and longing have greatly subsided. However, in little moments, just as they said in One Tree Hill, I’m reminded again that I have to say goodbye again and again. Like when you asked me in December to come into work with you, a job that I prayed you would get, and I couldn’t. or like when we were on the subway and I felt like I was back in time in some alternate universe where instead of the D.C. metro it was the subway, and instead of me it was my best friend. Or when you call me on my birthday and it’s my first time hearing your voice in months and I am reminded of how much I miss you and I cry to my best friend about it on my birthday.
All of these are just antidotes reminding me of the hard part. The hard part is no longer constantly thinking about you, the hard part is constantly remembering to say goodbye over and over again. Saying goodbye once was difficult enough, but every time I hear your name I am forced to do it again and again. And for that I cannot stand you.
Good riddance K, have a nice life without me.