Thanks for making me stronger

I went to New York a few weekends ago and I finally put many of my goals of 2017 to the use. I was forced to interact with someone who once had so much control over my emotions. All the things that had transpired between the two of us in 2016 felt so final and had me wondering how I would get over it.

But a year later, after all the tears, frustration, brooding anger all culminated to one true test.  I am happy to report that I was able to hold a conversation with someone I thought I could never feel neutral about. I couldn’t believe it. As I reflected on this experience, I inevitably began to think about the past year and the realizations and the lows I endured that gave me the grace to keep picking myself over and over again. Eventually, this process turned into an intentional effort to make myself the best I can be because I finally started to feel like I deserved the effort.

I’ve also learned that there is still a tremendous amount of work that needs to be done in my journey of self-growth but I am so incredibly happy that I have gotten to the point where I can see the sadness as a positive experience. I’m eternally grateful for all the support systems in my life that have gotten me to this point.

All of this also made me realize that one doesn’t just wake up one day and become the adult version of themselves that 10 year old you envisions- you have to put in the work to become that person. All of these realizations have thrust me into my adult life and while it happened in an unfair way, I could not be happier with the changes I have made for myself. I feel a lot stronger than I ever thought I could be, not just because of this one situation, but for facing my deeply rooted insecurities (that stem around inadequacy) headfirst.

My move to California was monumental to me in this personal journey and I feel so much better knowing that the growth that happened there was real no matter which time zone I’m in and who I’m surrounded by. The energy of the Bay Area was so unique because of the hippie, carefree, spiritual vibe that forced me to nurture that part of my personality as well. I was also able to randomly meet people who were such great souls and seemed to be what I needed when I needed it.

Lastly, it has come to my attention that while I have been trying to focus on myself, there has been an interesting influx of male attention that I have not received (some would say I wasn’t looking). But I think in addition to those things I am giving off a different vibe that I might not have before. And while this slight attention is new to me, I think I just took a few steps away from all my guy friends when I’m out but it does present another schema that I have to change about dating. I know it is common sense but I’ve realized in order to get married I have to……….date. Shocker! But in order to move towards the person 10 year old me envisioned, I have to get over my fear of intimacy.

 

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