This past year has been anything short of pleasant or smooth sailing. The end of September had me feeling extremely drained and unfocused. I do believe that this year I had asked to go on a spiritual journey and I wanted to leave the year feeling transformed. However, I did not think that my transformation would include a series of unfortunate events. As I am beginning to learn, life is messy. Life is hard. Life is unpredictable. But life is also beautiful, exhilarating, and breathtaking.
Over the course of the past couple of months, I’ve noticed that my energy has been drained. Whether its been offering emotional support to my parents or my sister, or my friends, I have felt like the emotional rock for everyone. Normally, this is never a problem and I truly enjoy helping other people with their emotions, I myself have not been in the right headspace for a long time. To top it off, I work in an environment where my job is to put myself aside for others. I have been translating that into my personal life as well and that is not healthy. My therapist described self care as a way to take out the figurative “trash” aka unloading my feelings so that I feel rejuvenated and healthy mentally. My final straw was last week when I felt under-appreciated by a family member and not understood by a so called “friend”. So I decided, no more. I also started to notice that my energy was just going into work and friends/relaxation which really consists of a lot of screen time and distracting myself from my emotions via instagram and meaningless conversations. I will be 25 next March and want to feel like more of a functional adult. In efforts to redirect myself to self improvement and well-being, I’ve decided that October will be a month of myself attempting to be the best version of myself that I have always imagined. I made a vow to invest all of my energy into myself whether that means getting up earlier to make myself look nice, or studying for the GRE when I say I will, or ignoring a call from a friend because I cannot talk about how someone spend unwanted time at a maintenance shop. It also means no boys-no more using them as a distraction/escape from real life. But also, I need to be nice to myself and not hyper critical. I need to understand that just because something is not perfect does not mean that it cannot happen. I want to improve my presence in a room. I’ve started to notice when self doubt and inadequacy creeps in and makes me a lesser version of myself. I want to stop mumbling and making myself smaller. I want to be an authentic version of myself. I want to be more articulate and well spoken. I want to devote more time to spirituality and my interest. I want to get more in tune with my feelings and passions. Basically, I don’t want to talk about it, I want to be about it. Today, I woke up and felt that it has always been easier for myself to pour more into others than it is to invest in myself. I am writing this blog post for accountability.